Strange phenomenon, time. Lately, it’s been on my mind a lot. My babies are all of a sudden independent, strong-willed, opinionated kids; everything I want them to be, but growing so fast and at the same time, forming a life away from me, not by default following my path. They look at the world around them, see it with their own eyes and form their own opinion on it. They have dreams and thoughts of their own, and all of a sudden, they have become other people, individuals.
Spring come before winter has even begun; and it was just summer. Was it two weeks ago we came back from summer vacation? No, that was 8 months. How did 8 months happen in two weeks? How can it almost be the kids’ birthday again? It was just last month, not a year ago.
Didn’t I just buy bread? How was that last week? Is the dog really turning 8? She was just a puppy.
It spins, faster and faster. There are suddenly a wealth of grey hair interlacing the brown ones. Did I always have this wrinkle on my forehead? You cannot seriously be sending me an invitation to your 40th birthday! We went to high-school together. There’s no way we’re turning 40 …
I cannot be 40 with kids starting school. I know in my heart, in the root of my very soul that I’m only 26. 27 at the most. I haven’t changed at all. I feel the same way, think the same way. Well, I do remember turning 30. The wedding. Getting pregnant. Yes, I believe that did happen at 30 – 31. But 39? What happened to 32 – 38?
There are so many things I still need to do, experience, achieve. My bucket list isn’t even half done.
I’m the second oldest generation in the family. They are all gone, the others. My grandmothers, grandfathers, their siblings, the uncles and aunts, their laughter from the family parties still ringing in my ears. Their dresses and nice, but sensible shoes. The weight of their hands on my head as they said hello. The little presents they withdrew from their handbags. I’m still the kid at the end of the table, sipping soda as they discuss politics and the economy, earning 5 kroner for walking the dog as they continue talking, falling asleep on two chairs pushed together as the evening grows thin.
I’m the annoying teenager, laughing too loudly on the bus on the way to town, being silly, following the pack and thinking way too late about the consequences. Unsure, insecure, trying to keep up and keep on. Falling in love and crashing headfirst into reality. Trying my own feet, carrying my own weight, and time just keeps rolling, rolling.
Getting serious, getting a job, getting a place, getting a boyfriend, getting burned, getting lost, getting nothing or getting it all.
Getting here. Spinning too fast.
And I don’t get it.